I know I have been restored for such a time as this....
"I am a Nurse," rings in my head over and over and I have such an urge to get up, get out there and help in any way I can, because that's what we do, that's that I do, that's what my heart pulls me to want to do. But I am also a Wife, and Mom, a Daughter....Granddaughter and so on. In these times, this pulls on my more. The uncertainties of everything and all that we are learning about this virus is beyond our everyday decision to go out the house and go save lives. It's not the same, never did I feel like I was not able to protect myself no matter what was thrown at me.
Besides, there other battlefields out here. One that is not really being talked about, not in the sense of being on the front lines. Battlefields of the Mind, Battlefields in the Home, and Financial Battlefields. What is it really like for a Nurse, in this time today, who has to decide that her calling as a Nurse has to take a back burner to her calling as a Wife and Mom first? The thoughts of not contributing to the team and feeling less than. That Battle is pocketing those thoughts and continuing on to keep going for the leading job at hand now, adding on being a teacher to the household duties that already spilled over your plate. Recognizing its okay to vent and you still love your family, your children, your spouse, and it doesn't take away from the great extra times you now have altogether; but still feeling bad for doing it.
Its just a whole new life, you are no longer going out of the home to work daily, so no new money coming in, only additions to your roles and responsibilities. My eyes bulge out of my head at the thought of how my days go, day in and day out. After numerous hours of restless sleep, and trips to the bathroom, awakened by the kiss on my forehead of my husband saying goodbye as he leaves for work. Its 630 am. Then a few minutes later our 4 year old comes in to get in bed with me until her brother, our 10 yr old decided he is ready for breakfast. We try to get the day going by 9 am. Get ready, eat breakfast, and get this "school" day going. God did not grant me the patience that teachers have. I have a whole schedule posted on the fridge and we stick to it, that's just how I am. Its what keeps me sane. Breakfast, schoolwork, am break/snack, schoolwork, lunch, schoolwork, pm snack, finish schoolwork, then free time. Yes, of course somewhere in between all all that we have breaks that are not on the schedule.....come on, kids will be kids. I get a little moment in, until the kids see me actually trying to get something done, then my attention is needed immediately, always immediately. Then its time to get dinner going and look forward to a little break my husband gives me as her spends time with the kids when he gets home. That little break, big to me, is so needed. It's 10pm......the day will be starting over again soon. They need me here too. The Front line here is just as important.
I joke to myself that its groundhog day, like the movie. I don't know what day it is anymore. We are just going to keep waking up to the same day, over and over again until we get it right. Until we make the decision that God is trying to show us, truly listen and hear Him, and make the right move. I'm praying and I am listening, and I know God is on the thrown. Most of all I pray to remain in that peace, that peace that only He can give. You don't have to understand it, why with all that going on, does the outside still look calm and unbothered, why is she not insane, why does she still have a praise in her heart and a "Thank You Jesus" out her mouth. God's Peace, surpassing all understanding. I am so Grateful.
